Thursday, December 29, 2011

Terrible Horrible Miserable Me

Today I'm having a bad day. A rotten, miserable, horrible day. This is day 5 of my family being sick. I'm overtired, not feeling well myself and I'm stressed. I'm stressed about my baby who is not just sick with bronchitis- which would be bad enough- but she also has a genetic disease (PKU) which makes everything oh so much more complicated.

I like having control over my environment- I live a very routine based life. I like having and following rules. I don't like surprises.

But I'm like a helpless babe when it comes to my dealing with my daughter. This is her third illness in the last 9 weeks. I feel humbled and it is an uncomfortable feeling.

I could explain the legitimate reasons to be stressed about her illness. I could ask for pity for the little sleep i've gotten and the stress i've had in the last week- family stress, battling a religious understanding that I don't really want to accept, my oldest turning 6, having to put our dog down.

I spent this morning telling myself how miserable this week has been. And then when the hospital called with the latest blood work results I dissolved into tears and filled with anger.

I feel so alone. I feel so responsible for everything. I feel so angry. I wonder what it feels like to really lose it, I wonder when you know you've hit the breaking point. Standing in the middle of my living room bawling- trying to gain perspective. It could be worse. I'm not in the middle of war. I'm not watching my children starve to death. I have a family. I am so blessed.

So what do you do when you feel like you cannot take it anymore- you pray. And you pray. And you pray. And when you still cannot get up you keep praying until you can. And you know that there is a lesson here.

And know that it might get worse-that it *will* get worse- but that life isn't about today or this week.

So i'll go sweep the floor, make lunch - snuggle my little and not little babies and pray that tomorrow is better. I will find comfort in the routines of my life until I find peace.

I won't continue my little pity party today (although i 'm still pretty crabby)- but won't promise not to have another one tomorrow. But I have faith. I will have faith. There is a plan and a reason and lesson here.

Parenting is hard.

Living is hard.

Loving is hard.

Life is hard.

But it is all so worth it.

tell me what's awesome in your life right now- what makes everything else worth it!


  1. oh hugs***. Take a breather, Carrie. I WILL get better and easier.

  2. Mama, you are so strong, even when you're weak. God blessed you with Carolyn - in fact they chose you together, I reckon - because you are the BEST parent for her and this wonderful, terrible, beautiful, heartbreaking job: Mama.

    I wish I could walk in your back door and send you out the front, to give you a break, a breather a moment. Alas, I can only send love and hugs and faith that you WILL get through this. You have.