Today I'm having a bad day. A rotten, miserable, horrible day. This is day 5 of my family being sick. I'm overtired, not feeling well myself and I'm stressed. I'm stressed about my baby who is not just sick with bronchitis- which would be bad enough- but she also has a genetic disease (PKU) which makes everything oh so much more complicated.
I like having control over my environment- I live a very routine based life. I like having and following rules. I don't like surprises.
But I'm like a helpless babe when it comes to my dealing with my daughter. This is her third illness in the last 9 weeks. I feel humbled and it is an uncomfortable feeling.
I could explain the legitimate reasons to be stressed about her illness. I could ask for pity for the little sleep i've gotten and the stress i've had in the last week- family stress, battling a religious understanding that I don't really want to accept, my oldest turning 6, having to put our dog down.
I spent this morning telling myself how miserable this week has been. And then when the hospital called with the latest blood work results I dissolved into tears and filled with anger.
I feel so alone. I feel so responsible for everything. I feel so angry. I wonder what it feels like to really lose it, I wonder when you know you've hit the breaking point. Standing in the middle of my living room bawling- trying to gain perspective. It could be worse. I'm not in the middle of war. I'm not watching my children starve to death. I have a family. I am so blessed.
So what do you do when you feel like you cannot take it anymore- you pray. And you pray. And you pray. And when you still cannot get up you keep praying until you can. And you know that there is a lesson here.
And know that it might get worse-that it *will* get worse- but that life isn't about today or this week.
So i'll go sweep the floor, make lunch - snuggle my little and not little babies and pray that tomorrow is better. I will find comfort in the routines of my life until I find peace.
I won't continue my little pity party today (although i 'm still pretty crabby)- but won't promise not to have another one tomorrow. But I have faith. I will have faith. There is a plan and a reason and lesson here.
Parenting is hard.
Living is hard.
Loving is hard.
Life is hard.
But it is all so worth it.